Dear Spoonie Friend,

Sorry I haven’t written lately…

but I’m trapped in this never ending nightmare. I can’t work, I can’t sleep, I can barely type at all. This latest Fibro-flare is really packing a punch. The pain at night is unbearable. I can’t shake the brain fog so…

Spoonie Friend Fibro-Flare

When I explain why I haven’t written sooner… you will understand my Spoonie friend.

Now if I wrote that in a letter to the average person, we all know what they’d be thinking….

“she looks fine”

“she’s just negative”

“she’s always claiming to be sick”

“she’s just making excuses”

You see it in their eyes when they look at you and so I am often dishonest about the way I am feeling. When asked how I am I usually respond with “fine and you?” I rarely let them know  that I’m in a disabling amount of pain All The Time.

If I get even the slightest chill it sets off a chain reaction of a deep radiating achy pain, especially at my trigger points.

Speaking of Trigger points,  my hands hurt so intensely that if I bang them even slightly, tears well up in my eyes.

I could sing the Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, Interstitial Cystitis, Graves Disease, Previously Hyper but now thanks to radiation Hypoactive Thyroid, Gout, Psoriasis, Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Autoimmune Disorders Blues and they would never get it.

You my Spoonie Friend, you know what it’s like. You understand the pain and illnesses we share are not invisible to us.  They are physically very very REAL and I understand you.

We get it. We get each other.

This is a letter of thanks…Thank you Spoonies for being in my life.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.

I wish you days filled with so many spoons you can’t count. May your spoons runneth over.

Take care, Shelley

Tweet this pwetty pwease

With Great Effort Comes Exhaustion

I’d like to say I’m not letting exhaustion get me down, but that would be a lie.

I am sooo tired of battling to get something I’m entitled to. It’s exhausting and that’s what they are counting on.  Wearing me down to the point where I just give up.

They have me over a barrel. Hiring a lawyer costs money I don’t have. This leaves me with no choice but to fight on my own.

I have Fibromyalgia. They know it and I know it. I was approved for long term disability for Fibromyalgia two years same occupation. One year into the claim and two individuals have decided I can go back to work.

Ummm I still have Fibromyalgia, and as far as I know there still isn’t a cure. Nothing has changed since my claim was approved, except the Fibromyalgia is getting worse.

I am so overwhelmed by exhaustion just getting out of bed every day takes  incredible effort.  I’m in a perpetual state of anxiety and am afraid.

When overwhelmed with exhaustion don't give up remember David & Goliath
Premium Giclee Print of David and Goliath (oil on canvas) Titian (Tiziano Vecelli) click here for more information


When I find myself on the verge of giving up I think about the story of David versus Goliath. Sure it’s just me against a great big insurance company (with lots n’ lots of resources) but I do have truth on my side.

One of the biggest hurdles I’ve had to overcome (and still battle with each day) is acceptance that I have Fibromyalgia and with it comes limitations.

I was building a new life while learning to LIVE with my fibro buddy. I was focusing on what I could do instead of thinking about what I can’t.  I was letting go of the old me; embracing the new.

For months the insurance company has made me day after day after day talk about what I CAN NOT do.  It’s torture that befell complete and total mental and physical exhaustion.

I have been lied to and I have been bullied.  I’m so very very tired but…

vow to self I won’t give up, I will push through exhaustion until I come out on the other side!


I will beat exhaustion cuz I'm one tough cookie
One Tough Cookie Art Print – 20 x 20 cm 
by Todd Goldman Available at




Feel that cold

Fall Blends oil pastel Pain
“Fall Blends” oil pastel by Shelley Lockwood

Fall was one of my favorite seasons.

Some days, damp ones to be more precise are rarely pleasant or enjoyable.

Last week the dull ache got less dull and today the coldness to the core started.  As the cold slowly seeped deeper and deeper, the pain spread and intensified.  Other than applying some heat and layering up, there isn’t much to do except wait.  Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows. Wait to see where the pain will settle, and how far spread it’ll be.

Waiting to me, basically boils down to having no control over what happens next.

I think one of my biggest struggles is wondering…am I the only one?  I mean I know I’m not the only one learning to LIVE with Fibromayalgia (or what I usually refer to as the “F” word).

I know I’m not the only one hurting all day every day.  I know I’m not the only one tired beyond belief pretty much most of the time.

What I mean is am I the only one that feels like control is slipping away? I have always had a plan.  Sure flexibility (ha ha) was necessary due to life’s little curve balls, but now I don’t know from one day to the next what I will physically be  able to do.

Really, I never actually know from one hour to the next what this wonderful chronic condition has in store for me.

Am I the only one?  The only one having difficulty accepting this new found loss of control?

 Vow to self…do what you can to minimize the pain!


Hello world!

Shelley Lockwood
Apparently my facial expressions tell all.

Hello world!  This is my first blog post.  Not going to say too much because I’m a tad busy trying to figure this out. I will say that I’m thankful for this week ending.  Been a while since I’ve hurt as much as I did for the last five days.  Woke up this morning, wiggled my toes (my first indicator) and it wasn’t an excruciating process…now that’s always a good sign. Happy Saturday!